BEWARE THESE HORRIFIC MONSTERS!

By Jack Jodell, October 30, 2011

This being the Halloween season, I wanted to caution everyone about the horrific monsters lurking out there!

The first is MITT ROMNEY. He seems likeable and friendly enough, but you never know what side of the street he’ll be walking on. He doesn’t sing hip-hop. Instead, he screeches out FLIP-FLOP! Best to avoid walking down his street entirely, as you may find yourself laid off, with your job having been shipped by him to China! Alas, his parents were able to provide him with riches and a body, but they were never able to give bumbling Mitt a soul!

Next is RICK PERRY. This monster, while not all that bright, IS incredibly dashing with his “Governor Goodhair” looks. But he may nonetheless fool you into accepting one of his many Texas minimum-wage jobs. Or, he may decide to execute you without having all the facts on your case. His flat tax proposal is truly horrific. Best to stay completely clear of this guy!

Be sure to avoid RUSH LIMBAUGH as much as possible. He is a hopeless drug addict who will do or say anything to get you to go along with him. And, once you’ve made that mistake, he will lead you down to his very dark dungeon, where he will suck all the blood and common sense out of you. Best to leave him all by himself in his never-ending echo chamber of lies and deceit!

MICHELE BACHMANN is a screaming meemie who definitely has bats in her belfrey! She is truly batshit crazy, and will do whatever she can to convince you about conspiracies SHE has conjured up that aren’t really there. She and her madcap husband have deluded themselves into thinking that homosexuals can “pray away the gay.” They also want to do away with the minimum wage, and think that if you become sick, you should rely on your family or the kindness of perfect strangers rather than the government for help. VERY scary!

Defying all logic, the unflappable NEWT GINGRICH is still LURCHING around, spouting off one heartless and crazy idea after another.He is as snide and ghoulish as they come, so by all means, keep small children and yourselves as far away from him as possible! He is so heartless he can’t be satisfied with one wife, so over the past 40 years, he’s helped himself to THREE! This guy crawled out of the grave years ago, and he can just go back anytime!

RICK SANTORUM looks all nice, clean, and innocent, but he, too, is a washed-up ghoul who doesn’t care about anyone but horrid rich, white, social conservatives. If your home is in danger of foreclosure, better stay away from him. He has been known to throw people like you to the “free market”, which will simply chew you up and then spit you out like so much garbage.

An especially grotesque creation, created in the diabolical mad scientists’ laboratory of the notorious Koch brothers, is HERMAN CAIN. This knucklehead has no brain OR heart, and has been known to blindly follow his corporate masters’ every directive. The castle which spawned this moronic monster and his ridiculous 9-9-9 tax plan ought to be stormed and completely destroyed forever!

One can never be sure about the demonic RON PAUL. Sometimes he makes perfect sense, but other times he’s as loony as batshit Bachmann. A libertarian, he advocates leaving all the other monsters, ghouls, and demons completely alone and free to wreak all the havoc they can. As such, this monster should be avoided and ignored at all times!

But the scariest and craziest monster of them all is radio commentator GLENN BECK.Not even HE knows exactly what convoluted lie will spring from his mouth next! He’s so scary, he doesn’t even need a costume or makeup! This ghoul is so deceitful and so completely insane that no mental institution can hold him. That’s why he inhabits that fearsome little cocoon he has on talk radio, which allows him to constantly spin his nasty web of conspiracy theories and lies. SHUDDER!!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this year the political field is absolutely FULL of depraved monsters like these. To avoid getting gobbled up by one of them, I would strongly advise you to band together with those in your nearest local neighborhood OCCUPY TOGETHER movement! For there, you will be protected by like-minded members of the 99% who would never sell you out the way these goons have!

UP NEXT: GOOD READING YOU MUST NOT MISS! (Part Two)